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Citing “persistent execution gaps, unclear ownership, and disappointing quarterly outcomes,” Pope Leo XIV announced Tuesday that God has officially been placed on a 90-day performance improvement plan.
The unprecedented move reportedly followed a tense closed-door meeting between the Holy Father, several senior cardinals, and what Vatican officials described as “the broader Trinity leadership team.”
“We want to be very clear: this is not a termination,” Pope Leo XIV said during a press conference in St. Peter’s Square. “This is an opportunity for God to demonstrate renewed accountability, stronger cross-functional communication, and measurable progress against key deliverables.”
According to internal Vatican documents, concerns regarding God’s performance have been mounting for centuries.
Among the issues cited were hurricanes, mosquitoes, kidney stones, male-pattern baldness, the continued existence of airport carpet, and the fact that every printer on Earth appears to know when someone is in a hurry.
The document also questioned why humans were given wisdom teeth “despite there being almost no upside.”
“Frankly, there are a lot of legacy systems here,” said one cardinal familiar with the review. “We’re trying to understand why the human spine was built like that.”
Heaven Asked to Submit Weekly Status Updates
Under the terms of the improvement plan, God will now be expected to provide weekly status reports outlining progress in several key areas, including global suffering, unanswered prayers, traffic congestion, and what Vatican leadership called “general Earth weirdness.”
Archangels have also reportedly been instructed to begin using Microsoft Teams.
“This should eliminate the confusion we’ve seen around prayer escalation,” said Cardinal Matteo Bellini, opening a laptop that immediately required a software update.
The Vatican said prayer requests will now be sorted into four categories:
Critical: Plane turbulence, biopsy results, fourth-quarter field goals.
High Priority: Job interviews, missing dogs, first dates.
Standard: Parking spaces, fantasy football.
Closed Without Action: Asking God to make someone text you back.
Officials also confirmed that all prayers beginning with “I know I don’t usually do this, but…” will automatically be flagged for additional review.
Jesus Reportedly Furious About Reorganization
Sources inside Heaven say Jesus was “blindsided” by the announcement and spent much of Tuesday asking whether the Father had received prior written feedback.
“This is the first I’m hearing of any formal performance concerns,” Jesus reportedly told colleagues. “We literally had Easter.”
According to celestial insiders, Jesus has already retained employment counsel.
The Holy Spirit, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment because no one has ever been completely sure how to contact Him directly.
Vatican officials acknowledged that the organizational chart remains difficult to understand.
“The Trinity structure has always created some reporting-line ambiguity,” said one administrator. “Technically they’re three people, but legally they’re one entity, and payroll has been asking questions.”
Pope Demands Explanation for Giraffes
The Pope reportedly spent a significant portion of the review questioning several specific design choices made during Creation.
Among them:
Why are giraffes shaped like that?
Why do sharks need so many teeth?
Why can’t humans breathe and swallow at the same time without occasionally almost dying?
Why was the appendix approved?
And why did God create Australia and then fill it with animals that appear openly hostile to human life?
At one point, the Pope allegedly held up a photograph of a platypus and asked the room to “walk me through the thought process.”
No satisfactory answer was provided.
Satan Receives Surprise Promotion
In a development that stunned Vatican observers, Satan was simultaneously promoted to Senior Vice President of Adversarial Operations.
The decision reportedly reflects strong results in several strategic categories, including temptation, misinformation, gambling parlays, reply-all email chains, and making people remember embarrassing things they said 14 years ago while trying to fall asleep.
“You may not agree with his mission,” said Pope Leo XIV, “but the man executes.”
Satan’s compensation package reportedly includes additional equity in Las Vegas, Miami, and all airport Hudson News locations.
Vatican Launches Expense Review
The Pope also announced a sweeping audit of Church expenditures after discovering that Heaven has apparently been operating for thousands of years without a formal procurement department.
“You’re telling me we have golden gates?” Pope Leo XIV reportedly shouted during one budget meeting. “In this interest-rate environment?”
Several nonessential celestial initiatives have now been paused.
Cherub expansion has been frozen.
Harps will no longer be reimbursed without manager approval.
All miracles valued above $10,000 must be submitted through Coupa.
Manna procurement has been outsourced.
And saints traveling for apparitions must now fly economy unless the flight exceeds eight hours.
The Virgin Mary has reportedly objected to the new travel policy.
Ten Commandments to Be Simplified
As part of what the Vatican is calling “Project Sinai 2.0,” the Pope also announced plans to modernize the Ten Commandments.
Consultants have allegedly advised that the current version is “too long, not sufficiently actionable, and lacking clear KPIs.”
A revised draft reportedly reduces the commandments to three:
- Don’t be weird.
- Don’t be a dick.
- Stop asking whether something “technically counts.”
The consulting firm responsible for the rewrite billed the Vatican $14.7 million.
Pope Leo XIV reportedly approved the invoice before realizing what had happened.
God Given Until End of Quarter
Despite the aggressive restructuring, Vatican officials emphasized that the Pope remains optimistic.
“This is not about punishment,” Leo said. “It is about helping God become the best version of God.”
The performance plan will reportedly conclude at the end of the quarter, at which point God could be returned to good standing, reassigned to an advisory role, or replaced on an interim basis by Morgan Freeman.
When asked what would happen if God simply refused to participate, Pope Leo XIV paused.
“He’s technically still the majority shareholder,” he admitted.
At press time, thunder had begun rumbling over Vatican City.
Pope Leo XIV reportedly looked toward the sky and muttered:
“Good. At least he read the email.”