Disclaimer: This is pure satire—none of this actually happened. PopeLeoXIV.com is an independent satire site. Not affiliated with the Vatican, the Holy See, or Pope Leo XIV.

I still can’t believe I’m Pope Leo XIV (yes, that Leo XIV). You see, when I—formerly Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost—found myself deadlocked 62‑62 in the conclave, someone suggested a pillow fight. “If the Holy Spirit can guide pillows,” I announced mid‑smack, “it can guide this papal name too.” And thus I landed on Leo XIV—because lions are more Instagram‑worthy than Scorpios (despite my November 16 birthday).

Frankly, I’d already been riding a #PopeLeoXIV meme wave: cardinals were begging me to choose the roar‑worthy title before “Scrolling Me” went viral. Plus, I knew Vatican gift shops would sell a million foam lion crowns—because who doesn’t want to pray while wearing a plush mane?

So here I sit, Leo XIV, with a pillow in one hand, a latte in the other, and a motto: “If life gives you feathers, make papal history.”

Disclaimer: This is pure satire—none of this actually happened.  PopeLeoXIV.com is an independent satire site. Not affiliated with the Vatican, the Holy See, or Pope Leo XIV.